December 7, 2017…ten days ago…the day our world turned
upside down…again…
When I started this blog site, I was originally only going
to use it for my travels and my adventures around the world. Well, I’m experiencing a new kind of
adventure, one I’d rather not experience again, but it helps me to process my
feelings and experiences…so, you can have a glimpse into a bit of my life
lately…
I. hate. mental. Illness.
It is so misunderstood.
Society treats it differently than medical illnesses. It is a silent agony.
How do I know this?
Only because, for 25 years, I’ve been married to someone who struggles
with this…every. single. day. It is a
battle. It is a painful battle. It is so hard to watch someone you love,
spiral downward and feeling so helpless.
On December 7, Jared reached a breaking point. He was tired of the battle, tired of fighting
so hard to get through each day. He tried
to take his life. Thankfully, he wasn’t
successful. He has been in the hospital
since that day, now under psychiatric care.
I am happy with the psychiatrist and social worker. He has a great treatment team working with him. He is improving and making good
progress. All of us are encouraged. But, it will be a long road ahead…
In our 25 years of marriage, we have had lots of ups and
down, like any married couple. There
have been many happy moments and memories in the midst of dealing with his
mental health. Seven years into our
marriage, he was also admitted to the hospital for psychiatric care; however, a
suicide attempt was not involved that time.
For the last 19 years, he’s been managing amazingly well, in the midst
of everything. But, I guess that was not
meant to last. So, here we are again,
back at the same hospital. Jared and I
never knew the “in sickness and in health” would mean anything like this.
People are always telling me “you are amazing,” “you are so
strong,”…let me tell you, people. I am
only amazing and strong because of Jesus in me.
It is not me. It is Christ in
me. We have over 200 people praying for
us…we could never do this alone! There
is no shame in asking for help. There is
no shame in mental illness or suicide attempts.
It is a sickness. There are many
things out of Jared’s (and my) control.
We are not meant to walk through challenges alone.
So, how am I doing?
I. am. tired.. I am taking care
of myself—eating, sleeping well, exercising, doing fun activities, balancing
being alone and being with others—but I’m crashing from the “adrenalin-high”
from the crisis at the beginning. Now
that he is in a safe place and getting the help he needs, I can rest for a
bit. However, I don’t know how long that
will be. Once he comes home, that will
have a whole new set of feelings and emotions for us both. I know I’m not ready for that today. Our mantra is…”a day at a time.”
How else am I feeling?
Just an overwhelming heaviness and sadness is setting in. I know I can’t stay there. I know I need to allow myself to feel
it. I’m battling the “I should have
known he was hurting so much….I should have seen it…I should have done more to
help him…I should have…I should have…I should have…” I know I need to release myself from these…I’ll
get there. Just maybe not today.
Jared is a funny, intelligent, sensitive and loving
man. He loves Jesus. He loves me.
He’s just got some broken connections in his brain. I look forward to the day that Jared is
healthy and whole again. We are both in
this together—100%.
If you’re not already receiving prayer request updates from
me and would like to, please email me at jandv1992@gmail.com
with your email address. I’ll add you to
future email updates.
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