Roller coasters...

Roller coasters.  I used to like them. 

That’s what it feels like in my life right now.  Saturday was a good day for Jared and we had a good visit.  Sunday wasn’t a good day for Jared.  Some new complications came into the mix.  Monday afternoon, Jared called me to tell me he was having a great day and that I could take a break from visiting for the next few nights.  Up….down…..up….down….

This week, on Monday, I actually had to force myself to get up out of bed and go to the gym.  Not because I was tired.  Because I didn’t want to face my life.  I can probably count on one hand the amount of times I have felt like this.  I know many people feel like this all.of.the.time.  I’m thankful I pushed myself and did what I needed to do.  The day actually had many blessings and nice surprises for me.  That day actually turned out to be one of my best days in a few weeks!

I still don’t know when Jared will be discharged.  Truthfully, I don’t want him to be home for Christmas.  That may sound harsh.  Of course I want him home, but I want him home and in a healthy place.  I know Christmas will be different this year.  I’m not worried about that.  I’ve had many different Christmases.  I’ve had to adjust to “new normals” a lot in my life – our life together after Jared’s first hospitalization 19 years ago, our life of not having children or a family, his constant journey with mental illness, job changes, and the loss of both of my parents and how family times and holidays are never the same again.  While all of those “new normals” haven’t always been easy…they DO become a reality and it’s okay.  All that to say, I also have to prepare myself emotionally and mentally if it IS determined that he is ready to come home before Christmas.

In sharing some of our story, I have been overwhelmed by the outpouring of so much love and support from so many.  And, this has given a place for others who are struggling to reach out too.  My cousin shared something the other day that really resonated with me, about this time of year being challenging for those with mental illness.  He says,

“What should be a time of joy and celebration, can bring all sorts of additional stress and anxiety. It’s bad enough that there’s not enough sunlight (Seasonal Affective Disorder is for real). Add in family responsibilities, pressures, and expectations, spoken or unspoken, and you can very quickly have a person who finds it difficult to function and be around people. 
Mental illness is not discussed openly enough. As we near the end of 2017, there are still far too many misconceptions and misunderstandings. As you go about your daily routines, and you encounter someone who comes across as a Scrooge, just know that there might be more to the story.“

That’s one thing I’ve learned in being with Jared.  You never know anyone’s story.  You have no idea what they may be dealing with.  Let’s be kind, people.  Let’s show grace and love.

While so much changes in life, one thing NEVER changes.  Jesus is the same…Today. Tomorrow. And forever.  In my Max Lucado devotional this week, I was reminded that I will have the strength I need…when the time comes.  In the words of Max Lucaodo, “Meet today's problems with today's strength. Don't start tackling tomorrow's problems until tomorrow. You do not have tomorrow's strength yet. You simply have enough for today."  I like the Message’s version of this verse:  Matthew 6:34 – God will help you deal with what hard things come up when the time comes.

So, when I start to worry or be scared of what’s ahead when Jared comes home, I need to remember that God will be there and give me what I need…when the time comes.