A new beginning...

Here we are again...ending a year, turning a page, to a new beginning...

A few years ago, a friend introduced me to a book, "One word that will change your life."  I loved the concept and ideas presented in that book.  For the last two years, rather than setting a bunch of  resolutions that are never kept, I pick one word to focus on for the year. 

What I found was that by picking one word, it actually helps me to stick to my goals anyway!

The first year, my word was "consistent."  For 2017 , my word was "intentional."  Both years I was able to follow through on my goals.  For 2018, my word is "trust."

Given the new journey that me and Jared are on now, it seems fitting.  Trust God.  Trust Jesus.  Trust Jared.  Trust the healing process.  Trust the process in healthy eating and weight maintenance for me.  Trust.

I don't know why it feels so hard to trust God this time around.  I've certainly had to trust Him many times in my life in many other challenging situations.  He has ALWAYS come through for me.  He has ALWAYS had my back and best interests in mind.   Even when I couldn't see Him working in the midst of things, I ALWAYS found good in the end.  Why am I doubting this time?

This last month has been a whirlwind.  It's so hard to believe that just 3 weeks ago is when our world seemed to fall apart.  And, that only a week ago, Jared came home from the hospital.  Thankfully, Jared is doing really well.  Sometimes, I feel like it's almost too good to be true.  Is it for real?  Trust.

The life that Jared and I share has never been "normal" by the world's standards.  It has always been normal for us.  That normal has shifted again and we need to learn what our new normal will be.  I have hope that it will be better than before.  We want to go forward in a positive way.  We want to follow God's leading.  We want to both have courage to do what we feel God is asking of us.  We want to go forward together.

I'm excited for a happier and healthier 2018!  Happy New Year, friends!

Miracles

Miracles.  I used to think they didn’t happen anymore.  But, you know what, they happen every day. The breath in our lungs.  The sight in our eyes.  The sounds in our ears.  All of it, and more…all miracles.

We got our own Christmas miracle this year.  Jared is home from the hospital!  It’s amazing to think…two weeks ago, I never saw this day coming so soon.  He is feeling so good and doing so well.  There is such a blanket of peace over us.  We are grateful.

I still hate mental illness.  I still hate how it affects our family.  I still hate that Jared has to deal with it.  But, there IS help available.  Like I said before, there is no shame in asking for help.  Mental illness is the same as any other physical illness and there is help and treatment available—there is no shame in getting help!  Jared is a huge advocate now of the help he received– his experience in the hospital this time was 100x better than last time.  There IS help available and you don’t have to do it alone.

Jared and me have a lot to process together too.  He needs to understand things I’ve experienced and felt through all of this too.  We WILL talk about it.  That’s the only way we can go forward.  He knows I need to be able to trust him again. 

We still have a long road ahead of us.  We both know it won’t always be easy.  I’m sure we’ll hit some bumps as we go.  But, we are going forward together and with hope.

Trust

Trust.

This is what I’ve been hearing Jesus say to me.

Trust Him.  Trust Jared.  Trust the process.  Trust.

How can so much change in 2 weeks?  Here I am, 2 weeks to the day that Jared was admitted to the hospital and I’m discussing his discharge from the hospital with his treatment team.  He may be coming home on Saturday!  Don’t ever discount the power of God, His people and their prayers!

It is really true.  Jared IS doing so much better.  I have seen it for myself!  But, yet it’s still hard to believe!  Last night during my visit with Jared, it was like having the “old Jared” of long, long ago…one I haven’t seen in a really, really long time.  What a gift! 

So, what’s holding me back from being fully excited of his return home?  The many questions and unknowns.  What if I don’t catch him spiraling downward again?  What if he doesn’t follow through with his treatment program?  What if he stops taking his meds?  What if he gets drawn back into unhealthy routines and habits?  What if…what if…what if…

Jared has reassured me that all of these things won’t happen.  He says he is feeling the best he has felt in a LONG time.  He says he doesn’t want to die…he wants to live.  He says he believes that something good is going to come out of this.  I really, really want to believe all of this.

I really have nothing to fear.  Jared is a kind, sensitive and loving man.  It was good to hear his genuine laugh again.  He has overcome so many of his own fears in the last 2 weeks.  He has also realized that if or when he struggles again, he knows there is help out there and that it’s okay to get it.  His hospital stay this time around was so much better than 19 years ago.

There is much to be thankful for.  So many “God moments” in all of this.  We both want to be open to whatever God is asking of us to do with our story. 

So, what am I going to do now…I guess just trust…

Roller coasters...

Roller coasters.  I used to like them. 

That’s what it feels like in my life right now.  Saturday was a good day for Jared and we had a good visit.  Sunday wasn’t a good day for Jared.  Some new complications came into the mix.  Monday afternoon, Jared called me to tell me he was having a great day and that I could take a break from visiting for the next few nights.  Up….down…..up….down….

This week, on Monday, I actually had to force myself to get up out of bed and go to the gym.  Not because I was tired.  Because I didn’t want to face my life.  I can probably count on one hand the amount of times I have felt like this.  I know many people feel like this all.of.the.time.  I’m thankful I pushed myself and did what I needed to do.  The day actually had many blessings and nice surprises for me.  That day actually turned out to be one of my best days in a few weeks!

I still don’t know when Jared will be discharged.  Truthfully, I don’t want him to be home for Christmas.  That may sound harsh.  Of course I want him home, but I want him home and in a healthy place.  I know Christmas will be different this year.  I’m not worried about that.  I’ve had many different Christmases.  I’ve had to adjust to “new normals” a lot in my life – our life together after Jared’s first hospitalization 19 years ago, our life of not having children or a family, his constant journey with mental illness, job changes, and the loss of both of my parents and how family times and holidays are never the same again.  While all of those “new normals” haven’t always been easy…they DO become a reality and it’s okay.  All that to say, I also have to prepare myself emotionally and mentally if it IS determined that he is ready to come home before Christmas.

In sharing some of our story, I have been overwhelmed by the outpouring of so much love and support from so many.  And, this has given a place for others who are struggling to reach out too.  My cousin shared something the other day that really resonated with me, about this time of year being challenging for those with mental illness.  He says,

“What should be a time of joy and celebration, can bring all sorts of additional stress and anxiety. It’s bad enough that there’s not enough sunlight (Seasonal Affective Disorder is for real). Add in family responsibilities, pressures, and expectations, spoken or unspoken, and you can very quickly have a person who finds it difficult to function and be around people. 
Mental illness is not discussed openly enough. As we near the end of 2017, there are still far too many misconceptions and misunderstandings. As you go about your daily routines, and you encounter someone who comes across as a Scrooge, just know that there might be more to the story.“

That’s one thing I’ve learned in being with Jared.  You never know anyone’s story.  You have no idea what they may be dealing with.  Let’s be kind, people.  Let’s show grace and love.

While so much changes in life, one thing NEVER changes.  Jesus is the same…Today. Tomorrow. And forever.  In my Max Lucado devotional this week, I was reminded that I will have the strength I need…when the time comes.  In the words of Max Lucaodo, “Meet today's problems with today's strength. Don't start tackling tomorrow's problems until tomorrow. You do not have tomorrow's strength yet. You simply have enough for today."  I like the Message’s version of this verse:  Matthew 6:34 – God will help you deal with what hard things come up when the time comes.

So, when I start to worry or be scared of what’s ahead when Jared comes home, I need to remember that God will be there and give me what I need…when the time comes.

When life throws you for a loop...

December 7, 2017…ten days ago…the day our world turned upside down…again…

When I started this blog site, I was originally only going to use it for my travels and my adventures around the world.  Well, I’m experiencing a new kind of adventure, one I’d rather not experience again, but it helps me to process my feelings and experiences…so, you can have a glimpse into a bit of my life lately…

I. hate. mental. Illness.

It is so misunderstood. 

Society treats it differently than medical illnesses.  It is a silent agony. 

How do I know this?  Only because, for 25 years, I’ve been married to someone who struggles with this…every. single. day.  It is a battle.  It is a painful battle.  It is so hard to watch someone you love, spiral downward and feeling so helpless.

On December 7, Jared reached a breaking point.  He was tired of the battle, tired of fighting so hard to get through each day.  He tried to take his life.  Thankfully, he wasn’t successful.  He has been in the hospital since that day, now under psychiatric care.  I am happy with the psychiatrist and social worker.  He has a great treatment team working with him.  He is improving and making good progress.  All of us are encouraged.  But, it will be a long road ahead…

In our 25 years of marriage, we have had lots of ups and down, like any married couple.  There have been many happy moments and memories in the midst of dealing with his mental health.  Seven years into our marriage, he was also admitted to the hospital for psychiatric care; however, a suicide attempt was not involved that time.  For the last 19 years, he’s been managing amazingly well, in the midst of everything.  But, I guess that was not meant to last.  So, here we are again, back at the same hospital.  Jared and I never knew the “in sickness and in health” would mean anything like this.

People are always telling me “you are amazing,” “you are so strong,”…let me tell you, people.  I am only amazing and strong because of Jesus in me.  It is not me.  It is Christ in me.  We have over 200 people praying for us…we could never do this alone!  There is no shame in asking for help.  There is no shame in mental illness or suicide attempts.  It is a sickness.  There are many things out of Jared’s (and my) control.  We are not meant to walk through challenges alone.

So, how am I doing?  I. am. tired..  I am taking care of myself—eating, sleeping well, exercising, doing fun activities, balancing being alone and being with others—but I’m crashing from the “adrenalin-high” from the crisis at the beginning.  Now that he is in a safe place and getting the help he needs, I can rest for a bit.  However, I don’t know how long that will be.  Once he comes home, that will have a whole new set of feelings and emotions for us both.  I know I’m not ready for that today.  Our mantra is…”a day at a time.”

How else am I feeling?  Just an overwhelming heaviness and sadness is setting in.  I know I can’t stay there.  I know I need to allow myself to feel it.  I’m battling the “I should have known he was hurting so much….I should have seen it…I should have done more to help him…I should have…I should have…I should have…”  I know I need to release myself from these…I’ll get there.  Just maybe not today.

Jared is a funny, intelligent, sensitive and loving man.  He loves Jesus.  He loves me.  He’s just got some broken connections in his brain.  I look forward to the day that Jared is healthy and whole again.  We are both in this together—100%.

If you’re not already receiving prayer request updates from me and would like to, please email me at jandv1992@gmail.com with your email address.  I’ll add you to future email updates.

Thanks for listening, friends.

Road Trip in India...

Take a road trip with me in India...some of the sites you see on a drive in India

(this last photo is at the train station...see the cow randomly walking by...)

And, some sites to see during the 23-hour train ride

And then we got on a train...

...for a very long time...

Our last day in India started with me attempting another workout.  I found my spot outside in the hotel stairwell landing and did my jump rope routine.  I kept getting interrupted by hotel workers (waiters, housekeeping, others) walking up the stairs.  They all stopped to stare...and then more would show up.  It was like they were spreading the word about some white girl outside doing stuff.  So, I took it outside on a short strip of the road by the hotel to do sprints.  Well, that caused a scene as well, but, oh well...wanted to get some sort of activity in before we started our long journey of travel home.  

When we left the hotel, we had a meeting with the SPICE committee.  We had good conversations about the needs of each of the hostels, as well as ideas and ways to partner together to provide the best care for the children.  During our meeting, they served us with a small tray of salty and sweet snacks.  After lunch, we made a quick stop to say goodbye to Poonan and Sona, and ended up seeing some of the SPICE children again.  Then, we were off to the train station.  

our sweet and salty snacks

Lunch - fish

Our train was delayed to start, so we had some tea while we waited, of course.  Once they announced our train arrival, the coolies (the men hired to carry our bags) took our luggage to our bunks on the train. Joel and Panuwel took very good care of us while we waited for the train.

The train from Bihar to Delhi was to be 18 hours and ended up being about 23 hours!  It was an exciting adventure to start, but after hearing the continuous delays as we were traveling, and being stuck in that small space...I was very ready to get off of that train.

We passed the time by eating, sleeping, playing cards, reading, and coloring.  We invited two young girls to join us for coloring.  They seemed to enjoy that.  They were 20 and 17, and on their way to holiday.  The entire overnight train experience in India is definitely something...  So many sights and smells.  Of course, the squatty potty on a moving train is always interesting too.  

our first snack on the train

dinner on the train

 

getting ready for bed...our bunks on the train

 

tea and a newspaper, served in the morning

breakfast

coloring with the girls

sites along the way

After 23 hours, we finally arrived back in India!  It was so good to walk again and to breath some "fresh air."  Our original plan for when we arrived back in India was that we would spend a few hours shopping in Delhi and have hotel rooms so we could shower and change and relax a bit before getting on the plane for the US.  Well, due to all of the delays, we had about 1.5 hours to shop and 1.5 hours at the hotel to shower and eat, before going to the airport for our 14-hour flight.  A total of 37 hours of travel....can't say I need to do that again anytime soon!

train station in India

shops in India

We felt like brand new after our short time at the hotel.  The shower felt heavenly.  All too soon, it was time to go to the airport.  

We are now on our final leg of the trip -- on the train back to Harrisburg from Newark. Almost there...

Thanks for following along on my journey.  I have other things I'd like to post -- I'll keep you posted on when they are up.  Thanks for your prayers!